Why the ‘Let Them’ theory and other self-help tools aren’t for women of color

Mel Robbins’ self-help book The Let Them Theory has become the latest sensation in personal development. It’s even gotten the stamp of approval from Oprah, who’s called it one of the best self-help books she’s ever read. 

While the Let Them Theory isn’t exactly a new concept, it’s a mindset tool that calls for radical acceptance and releasing control of the things that we can’t. So when friends leave us out, the person you’ve been dating wants to leave you, or family members hold judgements of us that we can’t change, let them. 

It’s a powerful assertion, but like many other concepts in the self help and personal development space, it’s not one that takes into account White Supremacy Culture and the experiences that women of color have within it. 

Artwork by Melanie G. S. Walby

In the field of corporate DEI and professional development, many trainings for women rely on advice like this. Feeling undervalued at work and ready for a promotion? Just lean in like Sheryl Sandberg. Seeing dynamics in the office that you want to speak up about? Be courageous like Brené Brown. The people at your job are out of control? Do like Mel Robbins by focusing on what you can control and let them. 

While there are undoubtedly universal truths in each of these works that may be supportive of a woman’s mental health and wellbeing, they’re all premised on the idea of psychological safety and trust already being in place. Dr. Carey Yazeed, a behavioral scientist who specializes in psychological safety in the workplace, has written extensively about this concept before. In a 2023 blog post, she reflects on this concept in a critique of Brené Brown’s popular work on vulnerability and courage:

“What drives our fear of being vulnerable? When Black women show vulnerability there are consequences such as being labeled angry, aggressive, mean, difficult to work with, or unable to handle our role, such was the case with Reese. What many in mainstream society fail to understand is that Black women have always functioned from a position of vulnerability vs one of privilege as our white counterparts. Hence the concept of us showing vulnerability, especially as leaders in the sports industry, tends to be a slippery slope that many are unwilling to navigate due to the imminent threat of misinterpretation. Brown asks how we are protecting ourselves from vulnerability? The answer – we chose silence. 

Yet, even in our silence, we are still afraid – afraid of the labels or worse – losing our jobs, not being promoted, being demoted, losing respect, internally forgetting our dignity and self worth, which leads to anxiety, depression, heart problems, a stroke, diabetes, or death. This is the price that we pay when we shut down and disengage. Black women are also reluctant to engage in behaviors that could negatively influence how others perceive our competence, awareness, and positivity (Rozovsky, 2015). In the end, fear and lack of trust, intertwined with the dynamics of the work that we do, creates invisible barriers where they should not have to exist.”

Dr. Yazeed’s critique is applicable across the experiences of all women of color in the workplace, and is a primary reason why culturally-competent professional development programs aren’t just a nice-to-have. They’re a necessity in a world where research and theoretical frameworks are created without women of color and our nuanced positions in the world in mind.

It was with this understanding in mind that I created the Authentically Me Fellowship with Rachel Vicente, to address this overlooked gap in leadership and professional development experiences. Asking women of color to just show up more confidently, assertively, or courageously is not only insulting, it’s inaccurate. Without addressing the tenets of White Supremacy Culture that show up in the workplace and they can be internalized, it’s impossible for women of color to show up as their most authentic and best selves at work. 

Theories like ‘Let Them’ might work on a micro and individual basis, but in a time like this where pushing back against authoritarianism and racist ideologies is necessary, they do us little good. Women of color can survive this time yes by protecting their peace and mental health, but also through community care and support. That support is built when we resist self-help and professional development tools that keep us disconnected and unwilling to challenge overarching power structures. 

If you’re a woman of color struggling to apply the latest self-help trend to you work experiences or a company ready to address the gaps in professional and leadership development work, book a consultation with me today.